I was depressed with mild to severe mood swings on and off most of my life, starting in my teen years, but I started feeling chronically depressed in my 30s. My therapist recommended that I start getting exercise every day, change my diet, quit drinking alcohol, and try that for about a month and then let her know how I felt. I did what she asked, but I was still depressed. So, she prescribed anti-depressants. The 1st anti-depressant I tried was Prozac, but this eventually gave me anxiety. I kept trying different anti-depressants with varying side effects. Some pills made me want to sleep all the time, some made me gain weight, some seemed to make me more depressed, some made me lethargic, and some did nothing at all. Then I developed anxiety attacks with the depression. They put me on Celexa and that seemed to help for awhile, at least with the anxiety. I did go back to drinking and smoking marijuana though, so I wasn’t sure if the
Celexa was helping or if the alcohol/marijuana helped me temporarily bury the anxiety. The Celexa eventually quit working, so again I tried the newest brand of anti-depressants on the market hoping for lasting relief, but none gave me much relief. This went on for about 20 years.
Eventually I started having such severe anxiety and depression that I was barely able to function on my job or in my life. I was afraid of driving and leaving my house. I was afraid I was going to die. I spent time in emergency rooms and hospitals. I also developed severe insomnia and was on sleeping pills. The sleeping pills helped me get 2 to 4 hours of sleep a night. I was constantly sleep deprived and when I did sleep I felt hung over, angry and depressed the next day. My condition got so bad; I had to check myself into the psych ward, because I could no longer function. I was suicidal and started fantasizing about killing myself because I could not bear living in that horrible condition any longer.
Since I tried every single anti-depressant known to man and was unable to sleep, the psych ward doctor prescribed 5 sleeping pills, an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. They also asked if I was willing to try shock therapy. Because I was so desperate and unable to sleep or function any longer, I decided to give it a try. I was in the hospital for 5 weeks and underwent shock therapy. I was doing well once I was out of the hospital – taking 5 pills for sleep, 1 anti-depressant and 1 mood stabilizer. I felt pretty good. They diagnosed me with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, and bi-polar.
I continued shock therapy a couple more times after the hospital. The sleep medications made me feel as though I was hung over and groggy all the time. On weekends, when I was not working, I slept all weekend. Soon I started having anxiety attacks again and I was concerned they would get so bad, that I would end up in the hospital again. My doctor took me off the anti-depressants and changed my mood stabilizers. I had to keep trying different mood stabilizers, because they too either didn’t work or the side effects were horrible. I felt good for awhile after the shock therapy, but the depression and anxiety started all over again and I was very concerned for my health.
When I was younger I was a believer in Jesus (born-again) and lived for God, but I became bitter towards God because of a failed, abusive “Christian” marriage. I was angry that I had to raise 3 young boys alone, work 2 jobs and I had many failed relationships. I always knew God was there, but I was so lost and in bondage to sin that I didn’t know how to get back to Him. Shortly before I went into the psych ward I did recommit my life to God and started to read the scripture and would listen to Bro. Jed and read his books. As I continued with the Lord I realized what it truly meant to repent of my sins. I repented of my life of sin and with it went the guilt and shame.
However, for the next 3 years I was dependent on the sleeping medications and mood stabilizers. I couldn’t stand taking the sleeping pills anymore, because I no longer had quality of life. I tried quitting on my own, but would stay awake for days without sleeping. One night, I wept, and in desperation I cried out to God and asked him to deliver me from the sleeping pills and restore my sleep. That night I slept without the sleeping pills and God delivered me and has restored my sleep. That was a huge miracle for me. About a year later, as I got stronger in the Word of God, prayer and seeking the Lord’s will, I quit taking the mood stabilizers. Through God’s Word and faith in His Word, He has restored me to health.
There are some moments I still struggle with depressed and anxious feelings/thoughts, but as I continue in prayer and in God’s Word, I have remained drug free! God is now my mood stabilizer and anti-depressant – there is Hope and Deliverance in trusting and obeying the Lord Jesus Christ. I am free after being bound for over 30 years. It feels so good to be FREE and alive again! It is so good to have the HOPE of life!